I have written many personal updates over the years of
writing this blog. Many have been about
what God is doing, what God is asking me to do, or what I hope God will do in
my life. Through those years, your
prayers, I believe, have been a large part of the work God has done in my
life. I mean, I have a beautiful house,
a beautiful healthy child, a new and growing church, and I am meeting new
friends through it all. I have even
taken some small steps to improve my health (though I still have a long way to
go and really need prayer to have the discipline to watch my diet and for God
to protect my health as I really want to be there for my wife and child). That brings me to the topic of today’s
update. The one area that still lingers
large in my life is my commute. In the
grand scheme of things, that may seem like a small thing. I mean there are brothers and sisters
fighting wars, facing persecution of the likes I cannot even imagine, being
abused, and being in poverty. In fact, I
struggle with the guilt of asking for something better than what I have when
what I have is so much better than how so many others have it. However, there is one Scripture that comes to
mind that assuages those feelings of guilt.
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time,
casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7 NKJV
The Word of God commands us to cast all our cares on Him, and not just what items we feel are worthy of Him. If anything, I would be disobedient not bringing this earnestly before God for as long as it remains a care in my life. In fact, and this goes as much for me, it would be a matter of pride to think that we can possibly burden God’s time and resources with our own problems. God wants us to always rely on Him, even when we think we can handle something on our own. In fact, this probably why so many Christians are good at not falling in the big things while stumbling in the little things. Please do not ever think that God is too busy with the “big” problems of the world to handle our “small” problems. The phrase “God helps those who help themselves” is never in the Bible. Time and time again, the opposite happens. God helps those who admit they cannot help themselves and those who do try to help themselves usually find themselves in trouble.
If any of you are my Facebook friends (as most of you are),
then you know my prayer and struggle with my commute for some time. Instead of writing in small snippets from
time to time, I want to just lay everything out. I am not going to write anything today for any
kind of pity party. They are pointless,
useless, and not particularly pleasing to God.
I am writing because I want to be clear about what is going on so that
you all know where I need help. I am
also writing because it helps me get a better grasp on everything. The bottom line is that I do not feel my
commute is compatible with what God wants for my family. That leaves two options: I am wrong about what God wants for me or the
thing that is affecting it needs to change.
This is where my prayer starts.
First of all, there is the financial issue. My commute is simply unaffordable. I believe that God wants my wife to be home
with our child. This is not possible for
much longer the way things are now. When
you figure what I bring home every month and deduct the $900.00 it costs me to
commute, we are not even left with enough money to pay the mortgage. We had some cushion that has lasted us quite
some time, but that time is quickly coming to an end. We have a small eBay business but even that
helped us keep up when Robin was working and it is certainly not enough to
supplement to keep her home. I honestly
do not believe God wants Robin back at work, at least not where she was
working, and certainly not yet. I feel
no leading at all from God for her to be working and, as far as I know, neither does she. Yet, the reality is that she cannot stay home
much longer if things stay the way they are.
Next there is the health and safety issue. One of my greatest fears in life is for Eli
to grow up without a dad or Robin to ever have to go through losing me. While there are things I can and should do,
especially regarding my diet, there are other things that I have no control of
in this current situation. I get 5-6
hours of sleep every night during the week and with a baby those are not 5-6
solid hours. This leaves me in a
perpetual state of tiredness. I am tired
at work, I am tired at home, and, most importantly, I am tired while driving. There is not a morning or afternoon that goes
by where I do not fight sleep and drift lanes several times. This is not hyperbole. It is only by the grace of God that nothing
has occupied any of the areas where I happened to drift. Furthermore, with eBay, wanting to spend time
with my family, and just the fact that I am so tired, doing anything active
during the week is nearly impossible.
The lack of sleep along with my sleep apnea and diabetes is not good for
improving my health.
Finally, I cannot be the husband and father I believe I am
called to be. Robin loves hanging out
with friends and family. Robin loves
going to church during the week. Those
things are great challenges for me. I am
perpetually obsessed with time knowing that the longer we stay where we are,
the less sleep I will get and the harder the drive will be. I am very selective with that I do during the
week and many times Robin goes places without me. She does not like that and neither do I. Not only that, but I am so tired and busy
that I do not nearly help out at home as much as I should. I love to cook but rarely do. I love to work outside and make our house
nice, but if I cannot get squeezed into a Saturday it does not happen, and I
want to help Robin more with Eli but time just does not allow me to pitch in as
much as I should.
I think the bottom line is obvious. Either I am wrong on all those things that I
believe God is leading me into or I am wrong about continuing in my current
employment. The two do not work
together. I have prayed so long to
clearly hear from God and all I hear is that this job is not compatible with my
life. If I knew I heard from God I would
resign in a minute. In fact, my prayer
is growing more and more to hearing that from God. The thing is that resigning without another
job lined up or money lined up is jumping off a financial cliff with my family
in tow. I need to be absolutely sure
that is what God wants me to do. I know
that I have asked God several times for a fleece and even suggested some when
the time is right. So far all I have is
a growing desire to walk away from the commute.
I am not sure, though, if that desire is of the flesh or of the
spirit.
God has given me a great life. He has given me the most wonderful wife in
the world, He has given me a beautiful son, He has given us a great house in a
great area, and He has given us a great church family and friends and
family. I am not asking for anything
more than that, just the chance to enjoy the blessings He has bestowed upon my
life. God desires us to rejoice in all
things, God desires us to pursue peace, and God wants us to live a life of
spiritual abundance. These are precepts
I want to be obedient to, but the honest truth is that right now I do not know
how. And that is basically where I am
at this point in time. I see this life
God has for me, but I do not see how to get there.
Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them. Mark 11:24
Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”Mark 9:24