Wednesday, December 19, 2012

A Personal Update of Sorts

It has been quite some time since I have done a personal update post, and it is probably a little overdue.  There is not earth-shattering news to report, but things have been moving in my life as of late and I want to share.  At the beginning of this year, I wrote a list of New Years resolutions for this year.  While I am not going to update those issues specifically, I am happy to report that many of them have been accomplished, some are pending, and a few will hopefully come next year, perhaps even early next year.  God has certainly done many wonderful things and has always been faithful.  That is something I need to remind myself of constantly as I enter a time now and truly waiting on Him with no idea of how, when, or even where He is going to move.

I am in a situation that is historically difficult for me.  What I mean is that I am in a position where I can not see where I am going.  For example, I always beat back the post-vacation blues by planning my next vacation.  I have always gotten past the end of one thing by looking forward to the next and right now there is no "next."  I suppose I should explain what I mean!  In a terrible real estate market for a seller, especially in terms of condos, and after much waiting and prayer, God has sold our condo.  The closing is scheduled for being this Friday after originally being scheduled for last Friday.  To close on a home, about a million ducks need to be lined up in a row.  A couple of those ducks were a little slow getting into line last week so closing was pushed back a little.  Now everything appears to be in order.  Now that we sold the condo, we needed a place to live and so my wife and I have moved in with her parents for now.  They are great and welcoming, but I am a little homesick in not having an actual "home."  We did see a house that we liked, made an offer, waited ten days, and then found out the seller reconsidered selling as she lost her job.  This was a short sale already so I imagine she is just planning on riding it into foreclosure.  And so here we are, selling our home with no new home to look forward to.   It is kind of like being in a long, dark tunnel with no light anywhere to be found. 

I love that God challenges me in areas that I am weak and I hate that God challenges me in areas that I am weak.  Waiting in complete and blind faith is an area I am definitely weak in and so these times of testing, exercising, challenging, and strengthening are not easy at all for me.  I have no reason not to believe that God will come through, but when I can not see how God will come through that faith is stretched.  This, of course, is logically incoherent.  If I needed to see how or when something would happen, then can I really say that I have faith in that it will happen?  So I need to ask myself as Jesus asked His apostles in the midst of a storm "Where is your faith?"  Of course, my reply is much like the father of the demon-possessed boy "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!"  Where I am is that I have faith, but I often fear resting in that faith.  I guess I know that God can, but sometimes my struggle is with "God will."  or more specifically "Will God?"  The key word is "Will."  Ultimately, the problem is not in my faith, but my acceptance of God's will.  I know God can do what I desire but can I accept God not doing what I desire or do I continue to pray not for His will to be done but for His will to be my will to be done?  Ultimately that domes down to trust.  Do I trust God enough to just rest in His will for my life knowing it is way better than anything I could ever come up with on my own?  I know it in my head but in struggles like this I sometimes struggle with knowing that in my heart.  I trust Him with my eternal life, but I also need to wholly trust Him in this temporal life in the here and now. 

And I guess that is the message, at least for me.  Sometimes it is not that we do not have faith that God will act, but we pout around like babies thinking He may not act in the way we want Him to act.  Of course, He might, He might not, but it is His decision to make.  I have to trust, though, that wherever God leads me that it is the best for His purposes for my life, which are good purposes.  In other words, I need to deny my self and finally get the point that He knows best.  That is the deal when you give your life to Him.  I am not my own, I am purchased with a price.  I am a bondervant of Christ.  Saying it is easy. sometimes learning it is hard.  This, for me, is one of those hard parts, but I know there is something amazing ahead.  Even if I can not see it, I know that it is there.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 NKJV

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